Shawna's audition

Okay...so what

I feel some sort of sunshine as the relief of knowing I'm not laid off for next year was confirmed. It's nice but sort of an empty victory as I know some co-workers do not have the same confirmation. In America we are experiencing the throes (though not equal) to that of the Great Depression.

I love spring as I search in my closet for pastel colors of lilac, vibrant greens, and soft yellows. My husband probably loves that my renewed sense of energy stirs up some spring cleaning projects. I know that he subtly wishes that I would adhere to some of his mom's obsessive cleaning habits but in me he married a complicated dreamer with moments of questioning of why are things the way they are. I guess this does not always equate with structural activities lol.

Nevertheless real life is calling me to my wonderful hubby cooking in the kitchen asking me to get off my duff and set the table for some blueberry pancakes and sausage. I guess I better get moving.

Henry's Sisters

Wow, I really cried reading "Henry's Sisters" by Cathy Lamb. It was a wonderful story about mixed up families with toasty edges and the dysfunction of interesting people. I loved it but Henry made me cry. If you read it, you will see.

Sometimes....

Sometimes I have to remember that not all things come our way,
that our visions need not be everyone's vision.
I've been so blessed in that 98% of the time that things have been in my favor. I had gotten used to the smoothness of life like a perfectly spread peanut butter on a roughened piece of toast. Lately, I've had the resistance of beating my head on the wall. It happens and as I watch the television channels reporting on Haiti, there is that nagging voice telling me inside to appreciate my total surroundings and not take things for granted.

So, here I am at work with ideas bubbling in my head like a slow brew. And when things don't come to a boil, I feel sort of left down. Reality to head, teenagers have a different agenda. So, as I struggle with two of my fifteen your old students being pregnant, two extremely tough students with behavior issues, and the constant rumor mill about lay offs that are causing my normal happy co-workers to unravel, I find myself reveling in giving-up-ness instead of that glass is half full philosophy state of mind.

It was said that forgivness and bad thoughts are like a invading cancer. On days like this I want to remember the Serenity Prayer that I encountered from my first marriage to an alcoholic. Although my marriage did not sustain, the words have been a constant companion. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Pretty smart advice.

Garrettmeister

Today I am blogging about my son Garrett. My middle son Garrett is much like his mom. He has a huge heart but can get grumpy when things don't pan out right. He also has Austistic tendencies.

It's hard for Garrett because people don't always understand his thousand words a minute and his lack of self-control and social skills. At the same time, he sounds like a little professor when he talks. He cracks me up how his colorful language creates such visual fireworks.

There are times when I feel bad when I see the expressions of hurt on his face. He wants so bad to be accepted. But, the reality of my son is that as much as he is loving, he is also annoying. His life is like a roller coaster that never stops for a hiatus. Constantly moving activity, can annoy people who like quiet car rides and just want a moment of peace. He doesn't actually equal a balanced equation for the people who like 1 plus 1 equals two.

Garrett simply does not add up to a perfect equation. But, I'm so glad that Garrett is part of my family. He has taught me so much.

I have to remind myself to be patient with Garrett and to show him how much he means to me. I often wonder if he knows that. I look at him now and I see the ending of childhood and the stirrings of young adulthood. He is growing up and I know life is not going to be easy for him as he does not represent the norm.

Currently, I have Garrett in counseling to help with his self-esteem issues from being different. Every time he leaves counseling he has this huge smile. It is well worth it. I have to laugh as my husband took him out to shoot a BB gun and even let Garrett wear his army jacket from when he was in the military. Garrett has been sporting that jacket with a huge grin. Hopefully, those moments will weather the frequent storms that he will experience.

I never knew that my life was going to be so unbalanced. But, being in this position has given me this tough protective covering with plenty shards of emotion and love. Maybe, it has helped me to see beyond the cookie cutterness of life.

I just love that kid.

2009

I haven't written in so long. I guess you could say I've been busy but life has been good. I forget many times to appreciate my family, my job, the air I breathe, and the goals I have to make things better. I forget and continually hope that I will do those things that I want to do.

2009 has been an interesting year. Along with the deaths of some amazing celebrities, I am further amazed by the things that I see on television. Sex definitely sells. I consider myself a liberal but it still amazes me how society is so focused on negativity. It is too bad that negative sells more than positive. I sometimes worry about the desensitization of our society to violence and sex and the friends with benefits philosophies that I see in my students. When you are around youth, it is really easy to see what is going on. As a teacher, I know.

On the personal front, I am very happy to have received my first payment on an article I got published. I need to take a picture before I cash it. It feels so amazing like one of my dreams has been unwrapped.

We are still struggling at home to adjust to teenhood. We are constantly hoping that we are doing what we need for our children. I suppose it is only natural.

On the job front, budget cuts have made it difficult at work. In April, I will find out if I have a job for the next year. Maybe, maybe not but if not, I will stand firmly in faith that I will know what to do. Brian as well is worried about his job as many consumers are not buying snacks in this difficult economy. It has reminded me once again to not put all of our eggs in one basket. I have become lapsed in not thinking ahead.

In ending, I pray that I will strive to be a better person in 2010 and put some fresh air in that stagnancy of life. I also pray for a good year for my comrades in life.

Happy 2010!

Summer

It is funny how I measure summer by the one inch beginnings of a corn stalk to the end of measure of a taller than me field of corn. As I take my walks, I sense that smell of dry erase marker on my whiteboard. It has been a nice summer. I've done some reorganizing of my kitchen, bedroom, and closet. This week I took all of the pictures out and organized them by child and even albums of my husband and I when we were younger. The nostalgia really hits as I see how quickly my children have grown. The sad part is I realize that I need to take the time to really enjoy these children. Work, life, and technology can really take a chunk out of personal moments.

We bought a trailer and despite our first trip being covered by a current of rain and thunder, we were forced to be in smaller surroundings. It felt nice to be doing more outside activities. It was especially enjoyable to spend our weekend with our yellow lab Sammy Girl instead of putting her in storage. She is quite the member of our family. Seeing my indoor children jump off a pontoon boat surrounded by other growing children, I could see images of past summers as a child. Childhood is a wonderful thing and to see my children enjoy theirs is out of this world.

Hope everyone is doing well enjoying their small corner of this wonderful world.

Dreamer Girl