You cannot change others but you can change yourself.

I called my mother-in-law the other day to have our weekly conversation. She told me that she ran into my husband's ex who I have always liked. I asked how she was doing and was hoping that my husband's ex's life was going better. My mother in law then responded that she would like to say something but hope it would not get me mad. I said sure and she responded that she wishes they would have worked out. TO make matters worse, she then replied that she talked to her significant other about this same situation but said maybe her son would not be where he is at (successfully) if they worked out. She went to tell me all the stuff that my husband bought his ex. It wasn't the ex situation that bothered me but the fact that I know she said it to be spiteful. Not to even bring up the fact, that her grandchildren would not be here if we weren't married.

It has been a rocky relationship since the first meeting.The first time I met my husband's mom she cried in the first five minutes of meeting me. At my bridal shower, she was down in the basement crying in despair. She talked about me constantly to my husband's friends. She even cut out a clipping from a magazine and gave it to me that discussed how boy's would choose their mothers over the wife every time. There were even times when my children would hug her and she would laugh and grin at me like that was another competition. It has not been an easy road. My mother even became part of the equation when she commented that it bothered her to see Brian and my mom having conversations. I actually found a picture at her house where she cut my mom's face out of a picture!

I have tried spoiling her at Christmas, bragging her up and down, calling her, and reminding my husband to call her and put her in the spotlight. In fact, the first time they hugged was when I met her for the first time and encouraged them to do so.

The problem is I have been hurt so many times that I literally feel sick when she is around. I don't want to talk to her or be around her. I've had enough of being hurt, rejected, and disrespected. At the same time, I don't want to make my husband feel upset.

I've decided that I must let it go. The only person I can change is ME. She is coming over Saturday and I've decided that I'm going shopping.I will be there for holidays and birthdays that kind of thing. But I'm done trying to buy her affection and going way out of my way to convince her that I'm some one worth marrying her son.

The fact of the matter is I am worth something and I love that man with all of my heart. I guess that is my consolation prize. Yet, I would have loved to have a real mother in law and daughter in law relationship. Hopefully, I will always remember this when I have daughter in law's.

Summer

It is funny how I measure summer by the one inch beginnings of a corn stalk to the end of measure of a taller than me field of corn. As I take my walks, I sense that smell of dry erase marker on my whiteboard. It has been a nice summer. I've done some reorganizing of my kitchen, bedroom, and closet. This week I took all of the pictures out and organized them by child and even albums of my husband and I when we were younger. The nostalgia really hits as I see how quickly my children have grown. The sad part is I realize that I need to take the time to really enjoy these children. Work, life, and technology can really take a chunk out of personal moments.

We bought a trailer and despite our first trip being covered by a current of rain and thunder, we were forced to be in smaller surroundings. It felt nice to be doing more outside activities. It was especially enjoyable to spend our weekend with our yellow lab Sammy Girl instead of putting her in storage. She is quite the member of our family. Seeing my indoor children jump off a pontoon boat surrounded by other growing children, I could see images of past summers as a child. Childhood is a wonderful thing and to see my children enjoy theirs is out of this world.

Hope everyone is doing well enjoying their small corner of this wonderful world.

Dreamer Girl

I'm Back

I haven't had much time lately. Hope everyone is well. I finished work on Tuesday of this week. So, far I've read three books based on an old book that I loved as a teen "The Face On The Milk Carton". Fun. Has any one read any good reads lately?
My hope is to do three things this summer, catch up on reading, take walks, and hug my children. ALso, I hope to get used to just not doing and enjoy the tranquility that summer brings.


Roger is going back to Shanghai this Thursday. Please pray for my family that we adjust to the transition.

God bless,
Dreamer Girl

Little thoughts

The sky is like a lonesome dove
descript in it's part
boundaries of many
indications
I watch it all pass by.

It haunts me

I know two very vibrant, sweet, and beautiful women. They have hearts spun in gold and cotton candy. Love them.They captivate me with their beautiful hearts and kind actions. I grew up with one.

Yet, they are the leftover victims of addiction. Is their life like endless home meals with an occasional terrific feast at a fancy restaurant? Are they staying because the premise of that one good meal keeps them afloat? Do they wait in endless hope for those fleeting times to happen again?

I am poor company to addictive people despite my past addiction to ciggerates. I have no patience with wandering eyes who have spouses at home or people who are never happy staking roots in rich,dark soil who rather travel their families in endless suitcases trying to find happiness that will never come until they are happy with themselves. No amount of travel is going to solve that issue. The issue is them not dealing with their issues.

I suppose I have no patience because my first marriage was very destructive. My first exhusband cheated on me, was emotionally abusive, and had the beginning of an alcohol problem. It was hell on earth. Thankfully, I had the resolve to want bigger and better things.

I believe that a relationship is one that not need be like building a home over and over again, once up, always back down. My heart bleeds for beautiful people who are in the endless process of holding up the wall while another pulls it down. It is a never ending process.

People with addictions are lovely people in those fleeting moments. And it can be frustrating to see the potential that they are throwing away....the education, sense of humor, and likeaiblity. It is there, can't deny that.

Like in any conflict or war, the victims are the ones who are often left behind. Addictions leave it's victims. Whether they love a person that is addicted to alcohol, sex, drugs, and gambling. There is no glory for the victims of people who love a person that is addicted, or their constant day day struggle to put the pieces back together.

Sometimes I feel my heart has thorns. Never do I want to be that person who thinks that they know it all or be a person of judgement. My mistakes are like what Simon Cowell said on American Idol "a long country mile". I have a huge issue with people who hurt the people they supposedly love. It haunts me. And if you speak your feelings to the victims, it builds a wall as well.

I pray that these two women realize their worth and not lose any more in the process.

Hello

It seems like an eternity since I have written. I really miss my blogging friends like Karen. Life is keeping me actively busy which is good. I just got back from Palm Beach, Florida. Proudly I can claim, as it was just my three boys, exchange student, and me. Being inexperienced, I have only traveled at the most 4 hours one way by myself. It was tiring but I saved money and was able to see my sister Johonna whom I adore. Seriously.

As I drove through our beautiful country I took notice of the smokey mountains in Tennessee that are quite lovely. I pulled over onto the side of the road and saw great water for white water rafting that I've always wanted to do.

We passed Mount Vernon, civil war sights, and beautiful pastures with cows, mountains, and beaches.

In my small world, it is easy to forget how much is out there.

And I especially loves the y'alls that I got and how a lady in McDonald's laughed at my own northern accent. And I enjoyed mac and cheese with corn biscuits at Cracker Barrell and even purchased a Dolly Parton CD for a change. Have to love that woman as she buys books for children under five in rural areas which included the school I teach at.

Us Northerners, you have to love us. Even with all our cold, we are easily defrosted.

Another reminder how beautiful this world is. God is an amazing creator.

Hope all is well.

39 and counting

Let's grab life by the horns....
For me, it's the vast realization that you cannot grab life by the hands that has been the hardest. Life is fast, busy, and you just have to pray that you are making some sort of worth while dent.


The sunlight has definitely increased my energy and I have to start taking my Crohn's medicine again. According to my doctor some of my issues are from my Crohn's disease being active. She is suggesting that I start Humira. The big C could be caused by active Crohn's and can also be caused by being on medicine like Humira, it is a catch 22.

Yesterday I watched The Boy in Striped Pajamas. The movie accurately depicts what happens when hatred is enhanced by more hatred. For me it is hard to believe that people would have done those hateful crimes to Jews. I've heard that Hitler was a dynamic speaker, but dynamic enough to get people to do those heinous crimes. Crazy stuff.

The other day I was in the doctor's office and I was watching a black man and a white man discussing politics. Also, in the doctor's office at the same time was a very diverse group like Chaldean's and Hispanics. Years ago this would not be in the case.

It made me think how wonderful it is that we live in a country where acceptance prevails over hatred. How cool! And I love that we are like chex mix, much more interesting texture and "taste". P.S. Now I am one year shy of 40.

Hope everyone is full of love.